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Vernon Wormer
Dean, Academic Division
Faber College
Somewhere in Pennsylvania

Dear Dean Wormer,

I am writing to you regarding the events of this past semester, which led to my expulsion from your university. First, I would like to apologize for my part in the disruptive activities at your institution. Having been provided with the opportunity to reflect on my actions, I realize that my behavior was unacceptable.

When I arrived at Faber College, it was my intention to join a fraternity that that would provide a lifetime of brotherhood, and allow me the opportunity to participate in campus events. I first attempted to pledge with the prestigious Omega Theta Pi, which is a fraternity that I know has a good reputation and meets with your approval. However, because I did not fit their mold, I was made unwelcome at their invitational party. Disappointed with my rejection, I made my way next door to the Delta Tau Chi house. I should have known better, after all, I had heard that it was the worst house on campus. However, I was feeling rejected and just needed to be accepted by anyone, and since I was a legacy I knew I would not be denied. Although I realized that their house was not well respected, I was not aware of the disciplinary action that was already taken against them, specifically the sanction of "double secret probation". This information alone would have altered my decision to associate with the Deltas.

The first situation that I would like to address is the incident involving ROTC cadet commander Doug Neidermeyer's horse. I would like to express that I never intended for any harm to come to Doug's horse, and it was not my idea to sneak him into your office. I am not excusing my part in the tragedy, however having been rejected by Doug's fraternity earlier on, and being forced by him to do push ups in horse manure, I found it difficult to resist the peer pressure that was being applied by my new house, because I did not want to be spurned again. However, I would soon find out that even my own fraternity was picking on me for laughs. To my surprise, they handed me a gun and ordered me to shoot the horse; the a gun was full of blanks, unbeknownst to me. All I can say is that I just totally freaked out, fired the gun into the air, and got out of there as fast as I could. I didn't know that the horse could die from the shock of the gunshot sound alone, after all, they fire guns at the track all the time just to start the race. Regardless of my history with Doug, I have sent him a card with my apologizes for my part in his horse's death.

I would also like to point that there were many events that occurred without my culpability, and I want to ensure that I am not judged for the food fight in the cafeteria, nor the theft of the answer key for the psychology test, simply due to my former association with the Deltas. Additionally, I know that it is a touchy subject, and one of the biggest problems that you are left to face, but I had absolutely no part in the organization of the toga party, the invitation of your wife, nor any of the events leading up to her affair with Otter that evening. If anything, I can sympathize with you. After our charter was revoked, I also had a woman taken from me; my date from Emily Dickinson College left me for a guy from a roadhouse where Otis Day was performing. I know that it's not the same thing as what happened with your wife, but it was a humiliation just the same.

Although I am not disagreeing with your decision to expel all of the members of the fraternity based on our mid term grades, as well as other factors I am sure, I am extremely concerned by the report that you made to the draft board about my eligibility status. Also, I'm sure that you don't want to hear any excuses about the incident at the homecoming parade, it was a disaster, there was a lot property damage, and I know that you suffered personal injury. However, again, I was not an organizer, and I took no part in the operation of the deathmobile. I wasn't even successful in my attempt to spray you with seltzer, I couldn't even get that right, and Doug shot the bottle right out of my hands, putting the same fear of death into me as I'm sure you felt as the deathmobile sped up to ram into the bleachers that we were standing on.

In conclusion, I would like for you to reconsider my expulsion, and readmit me to your institution this fall. Doug was right about me Mr. Wormer, I am worthless and weak, but my actions were not as malicious as those of my housemates. I promise that if you accept me back to Faber College, I will keep my nose clean, my grades up, and make whatever restitution that you deem necessary.

Apologetically,

Kent Dorfman
AKA Flounder

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