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Craig flipped through his wallet in disappointment, counting and recounting his bills, each time tallying a total of only $34, which put him between a virtual rock and a digital hard place. He was $25 short for the latest 4X 3D Real Time MMPORG, and he was sick of sitting around the house playing his old 2D turn based strategy game like a sucker. Craig was not an animal, he was not raised in a barn, and was not going to tolerate playing a 13 month old game like some boorish, besotted, indolent, stolid troglodyte any longer. Craig thought long and hard for a solution using all of his brain cell, and finally came to perfect conclusion; "I'll Google how to make money!" he excitedly exclaimed.

His search was fruitful indeed; there were thousands of programs that could make him rich, and he could hardly believe the wealth of opportunity that he discovered online. He could sell his gold for CASH, order a series of CDs explaining how to earn millions on foreclosures, or even make up to seventy six dollars and sixteen cents an hour working from home performing undisclosed tasks. With these astonishing options, he could purchase enough games to retire on, whatever that means. However, all of the opportunities required either seed money or other resources that Craig lacked, so he tenaciously continued his hunt for a solution to his dilemma. Finally, he hit the jackpot, and stumbled upon an ad for a limited time opportunity that guaranteed a payment of $46; an ample amount for Craig's plan.

Craig followed the instructions of the ad posted by "The Bio Mechanical Human Experimentation and Soft Serve Ice Cream Foundation." and arrived at their lab/ice cream parlor wearing a long wool overcoat with his home addresses stitched inside, a dark pair of shades, and a brown fedora. At first he felt silly in the outfit, however, after catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he felt a little like Indiana Jones, the dog, not the man, and immediately felt much worse. It didn't matter, Craig wasn't about to let a little canine complex come between him and what craved. Determined to earn his $46, Craig charged right into the clinic/creamery and declared his intentions to participate in the "Human Mind Cream" experiment. Craig was then promptly served a mint chocolate chip ice cream cone with rainbow jimmies and sent off to the back room.

The room was dark, and the only visible object was an omnious chair which rested beneath a single overhead light. Instructed by a disembodied voice, Craig made his way towards the dimly lit seat, while sampling his creamy mint chocolate chip ice cream cone, and ensuring to lick the sides where the ice cream had begun to run down the cone. Once seated, Craig was instructed to discard the remainder of his ice cream cone, which he tossed in the trash next to his chair. Craig was then further instructed to remove his fedora, secure the electric clippers from the tray adjoining the chair, turn them on, and buzz his hair. Hesitating, Craig's inner monologue questioned if shaving his head was worth the $46, and then further pondered what would happen once his head was shaved. Shrugging off his doubts and concerns, Craig was resolute to complete his quest. It wasn't long after Craig had finished pruning off every last follicle that he felt light headed. The sensation was similar to receiving sweet air from the the dentist, but with a minty and chocolaty aftertaste; within moments, Craig was passed out.

"What happened..." Craig pondered "...where am I..", Craig slowly opened his throbbing eyes, first to darkness, and then to a shade of gray. Eventually, an image began to form before him, which was quickly lost to the darkness once again, until a sudden series of convulsions overwhelmed Craig's body, shocking his eyes into cooperation. The first things that Craig noticed were several vomit and blood stains on the floor in front of him; Craig examined them carefully and breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank god", he thought, "it's my vomit stain from New Year's, and the blood stains from last Christmas, I'm back home.". Craig stood up, stumbled into the bathroom, and examined his reflection. He had forgotten that he shaved his head, but was even more surprised to see a large birthmark in the shape of an ice cream cone directly in the center of his cranium. "OMG!" Craig exclaimed, "Did I get paid??" Unphased by the permanent imprint stained upon his head, Craig immediately sifted through his pockets, pulled out a wad of money, and cheered with elation. With his fears abated, Craig grabbed his fedora, and headed off the mall to complete his plan.

Eighteen minutes later, Craig arrived at the Pine Grove Mall. He rushed through the main entrance, raced past the food court, sprinted by the puppy store, stopped to stare into the Victoria's Secret for several minutes, and then limped off to his destination. Craig finally arrived at the kiosk he had been dreaming about since he began his web searches; the Jewelry Buddha in the middle of the mall. Craig's hands trembled with excitement as he reached into his pants and fished out his wallet. "I need $80 worth of gold ASAP!" he asserted. The bewildered teenage boy operating the kiosk gave a puzzled expression, shrugged for a moment, reached into a case containing various gold trinkets, and pulled out a charm that was molded in the shape of a ball of yarn and contained the phrase "#1 Nana". Craig dropped his cash on the counter, snatched the charm from the cashier's hand, and raced back to his car, stopping only to peer into Victoria's Secret for several more minutes.

By the time Craig reached his house, he was utterly intoxicated with euphoria, and he could barely control his own body. Booting up his computer and his web browser, Craig headed back to the cash for gold site that he had located earlier, printed out their instructions and forms, sealed up his new gold charm as directed, and rushed out to his mailbox to send off his package. In the five days that would follow, Craig did not sleep for a single moment. When he was not pacing nervously around his living room, he occupied his mind by circling fictitious words in his jumble puzzles and attempting to rinse out a mysterious chocolaty/minty taste from his mouth that he just couldn't seem to eliminate. Finally, at 4:35 PM on a Friday evening, Craig's long awaited package had arrived from the cash for gold company. Craig tore open the envelope, and was overjoyed with what he beheld; a check for $34. Craig's immense smile gleamed, as he thought to himself, "Yes! My plan is working! Just another $25 and I can get that game!!"

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